The ability to calmly and confidently say “no” is an essential quality, because being able to withstand another person’s negative reaction to your refusal is one of the key elements of healthy and effective communication. In doing so, you demonstrate that, regardless of your positive feelings toward someone, you first and foremost value and clearly define your personal boundaries.

One of my most respected authorities in psychology, Eric Berne — the author of the well-known theory of transactional analysis, whom I quote from time to time in my posts — offers a detailed analysis of the peculiar “games” people play in communication to avoid responsibility or a direct refusal. For example, he describes one such game as “Why Don’t You — Yes, But,” in which a person, when responding to a specific question with “Yes, but…,” is not actually giving a direct answer. Instead, they use the subtle addition of the word “but” to evade both a clear response and, consequently, responsibility for resolving the issue.

There are several interesting adaptations of Eric Berne’s ideas, and one of them goes as follows:

“A healthy person goes ‘Yes,’ ‘No,’ and ‘Whoopee!’
An unhealthy person goes ‘Yes, but,’ ‘No, but,’ and ‘No whoopee.’”

If we translate the meaning of this statement, it suggests that a psychologically mature person is able to express agreement, disagreement, and joy clearly and openly. A person with unresolved inner issues, on the other hand, is constantly searching for excuses, hesitating and wavering, and is unable to express their position directly — unable to say either yes or no. Moreover, such a person loses the ability to experience and accept the joy of life.

So what is the meaning behind this wise saying? It is that the ability to articulate one’s opinion clearly is crucial in communication, and the skill of speaking directly and openly, without hesitation, is always appropriate and worthy of respect. And the ability to sincerely rejoice and radiate positivity, as we all know, is simply priceless.