Let’s talk today about what makes some people cling so desperately to their sometimes downright destructive life scenarios and to the difficulties that seem to arise out of nowhere. In reality, these difficulties do not come out of nowhere, because they are a kind of subconscious “bonus” that we, without fully realizing it, order for ourselves at a deep level. Incidentally, this strategy is commonly referred to as infantilism — that is, the position of a victim. And it gives its “owner” quite a lot of what they subconsciously desire: plenty of attention from other people, and sometimes even a certain amount of pity and, accordingly, care. For many, this position is more than convenient.

For example, once a former acquaintance of mine (fortunately a former one) got involved in a very unpleasant situation on a fairly well-known website and was facing serious trouble. When I asked her what she was going to do next, she replied that she had already written them a pitiful, agonizing, pleading letter with a beggarly request for forgiveness. And imagine this: soon she received a reply saying that she had been forgiven and that all previous claims against her had been canceled. You won’t believe it, but this woman was absolutely delighted by the whole situation. She was especially flattered not only that she had been forgiven, but that a certain amount of mercy had been shown to her as well. Here you have a vivid example of the classic “victim” position.

It turns out that this kind of weak strategy attracts attention and care from others. And if, on top of everything else, a person suddenly develops some kind of chronic illness, another additional “benefit” immediately becomes apparent — all responsibilities are automatically removed from the sick person. And as long as these and similar connections operate subconsciously and unconsciously, nothing changes in life as a whole. That is, our subconscious, in anticipation of all these potential bonuses, goes around in circles, repeatedly and actively rejecting any possibility of change.

So let’s try to analyze together which similar problems repeat themselves over and over again in our lives. But I must warn you right away: you need to be as honest with yourself as possible, and in some cases even courageous. After all, there is no point in deceiving yourself — your own dearest self. To begin with, identify at least one recurring problem and ask yourself what specific benefits you gain from it. Perhaps sympathy and compassion? Or some kind of material benefit? And here is an important nuance: do not forget that this is by no means a biased interrogation, but a warm and friendly conversation. The key word in such a dialogue with your “I” is benevolent empathy — not condemnation, and certainly not reproach.

And if you succeed in this friendly dialogue and understand what benefits you derive from these sacrificial strategies, do not hesitate to immediately ask yourself the following question: “What more direct and adequate strategies can I use to achieve the same results?” In other words, how can you obtain the same things (for example, attention, care, and so on) not through the passive behavior of a victim, but through a completely different, healthier approach? Which strategy would be more acceptable and constructive? And once you have chosen a suitable strategy, do not delay — take action right away and put it into practice.

So, we’ve had an interesting conversation today, and the conclusion is this: to build something new, you not only need to create a plan in advance, but you also need to get rid of the old one first. It’s not easy, but it is possible — and that is something worth being happy about.