How difficult it is sometimes to realise that we cannot change another person! Even though we understand this deep down, we often stubbornly stick to our guns. In reality, all we can do is approach them directly and sincerely, clearly stating our request and simply and honestly explaining our desires and needs. How they respond to your request is entirely up to them. Their reaction to your request is their personal responsibility. After that, you have the right to act as you see fit. This is your freedom, and the responsibility is yours alone.

You can either accept (and sometimes swallow) their decision by simply adapting to the situation. But if such painful adaptation is unacceptable to you, you can radically change the format of your relationship, while remembering to show respect not only for your counterpart’s decision but also — very importantly — for your own personal boundaries.

Once, I happened to overhear a confused woman being sent to hell by her partner — over the phone, mind you. Even I was incredibly shocked, so you can imagine how distraught she was! But the most incredible thing happened the very next day: this woman herself, as if nothing had happened, called her partner and started chatting with him sweetly. That was when I personally got a real shock. I am not judging this confused woman, no; I am just showing you how radically different people’s views on the same event can be.

Why so different? Because some time later, a good friend of mine, during a heartfelt phone conversation with her boyfriend who had stayed in Ukraine, slipped into a slippery slope of political debate and ended up in the same situation — she was sent to hell with those same three cherished letters. This was about two years ago, and I can assure you that after that sad conversation, she radically ended their relationship, which had lasted almost ten years at that point. Yes, he lost his temper and told her to get lost. This was the first and, as we all already understand, the last time that two such radically opposite stories on the same topic occurred.

What am I getting at? I am getting at the fact that you cannot force someone to change their behaviour, but you have the right to decide how to respond to their behaviour. As can be seen from the two cases described above, even the most vulgar abuse can be either ‘swallowed’ with unenviable regularity or radically nipped in the bud. Your strength lies not only in your ability to accept objective reality but also in your competence to choose your response to it with full responsibility. And this great freedom of choice is something to be happy about, isn’t it, dear friends?